How to Deal with Anxiety and Stress as a Special Needs Parent

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Special needs parents often feel anxiety as they navigate their unique journeys. Read about how to deal with the chronic stress of parenting a child with special needs.

It’s common to be nervous as a new mom. After all, the care and well-being of a tiny infant is completely on our shoulders.

Remember that feeling that you could somehow break your new baby if you made a mistake? 

It was a nerve wracking experience to worry that you could somehow mess up and do harm to the tiny infant you just brought into this world. 

When you are the parent of a special needs child, you never really grow out of that feeling of constant stress and anxiety.

Parents of children with disabilities worry and feel overwhelmed that we might not do the right thing for our kids, that we are going to fail them or not be able to save them from harm. 

Special needs parents also feel very alone in their unique journeys that are outside the “norm” of typical parenting experiences. 

Special needs parents and anxiety often go hand in hand

It is a constant mental game we play with ourselves called, “What if….?”

What if she never learns to talk?

What if he never makes friends?

What if she never walks?

What if he has a seizure and stops breathing?

What if he can never go to college?

What if she never gets a job?

What if no one takes care of him after I’m gone?

What if she is not safe?

What if he never stops hitting?

What if she gets taken advantage of?

What if he does not make it out of this surgery?

For special needs parents, this list is endless and it is all consuming.

Some times we wake up in a cold sweat wondering what the future holds for our kids.

RELATED: ENCOURAGEMENT AND INSPIRATION FOR SPECIAL NEEDS PARENTS

Generalized Anxiety

As special needs parents, there is always an underlying anxiety or fear of the next challenge or hurdle for us to overcome.

We wait in a state of hyper-vigilance ready to take action when there is an issue with our child.

This sense of generalized anxiety that lies just beneath the surface leads to a chronic state of stress and exhaustion.

READ: A DIFFERENT KIND OF PERFECT: WRITINGS BY PARENTS ON RAISING A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS

Often we cannot even articulate what it is we feel. But we can never truly relax or let our guard down.

If our child is medically fragile and we live in a world of precarious medical procedures, we worry constantly about exposure to germs, whether or not we can take care of their needs properly and if they will ever be well enough to not need tubes and oxygen to stay alive.

If our child has behavioral challenges, we wait anxiously and pray that they can make it through a school day without incident. Every time the phone rings, our heart leaps out of our chest.

We worry that our child might injure himself or others. We are scared that we will not be able to protect her if she has an episode in public.

Underneath it all, we are anxious about the looks and the comments. We try to shield ourselves, but we worry about judgement. 

We are anxious about always being ostracized, both us and our kids. We worry that we will never have a place in society where we feel welcomed and appreciated.

It is a lonely journey to parent a child with special needs, one fraught with worry and anxiety that we carry with us as we try to go on with our lives.

We may present a tough exterior and work very hard to look like we are put together. Inside, we are a complicated bundle of nerves. 

We are constantly worried about our children and their needs, their futures and their physical and emotional well-being.

We often neglect our own mental health until, one day, we feel like we can’t breathe. It feels like the world is spinning and we just need to jump off.

Clinical Anxiety

Special needs parents live with chronic stress and anxiety. Sometimes it escalates to a point where we have no choice but to recognize that we need help for our own mental health.

We may exist in a constant state of nervousness, restlessness or being tense. Often we have difficulty focusing or thinking clearly about anything else but our kids and their current or future challenges. 

Our sleep is now plagued by insomnia or our digestive systems are wreaking havoc on our bodies.

Sometimes we have sudden and unexplained trembling, muscle or eye twitching. Our heart rate might accelerate and we may start sweating a lot.

RELATED: SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT DEPRESSION 

Many times anxiety looks like weakness and lethargy. We literally feel stuck and unable to do much of anything. Our anxiety is often paired with depression.

Our worrying and stress has lead to a clinical state of anxiety that requires treatment in order for us to feel functional.

Anxiety and Panic

Some of us feel an extreme sense of anxiety that turns into a panic disorder. 

We deal with many crises when parenting our children and the chronic stress and trauma can lead to PTSD. 

We have trouble relaxing, disturbing dreams, or flashbacks of a traumatic event or situation.

We avoid anything related to the cause of the trauma and often feel guarded and closed off.

In some cases, we feel sudden and repeated bouts of severe anxiety, fear, or terror that peak in a matter of minutes.

We know that we need to get treatment for our panic attacks and other severe symptoms of anxiety.

Yet we feel guilty about self-care because our children need every ounce of us.

RELATED: SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT GUILT AND HOW TO LET IT GO

Coping tips for special needs parents to deal with anxiety, stress and overwhelm

Get exercise

Getting physical activity through exercise can help reduce your stress and anxiety.

If you are normally sedentary, start off with just a few activities and continue adding more over time.

Perhaps while your child is at school, you can walk around the neighborhood. 

Or, there are plenty of 10-minute exercise programs to download that do not take a lot of time.

Get enough sleep

I know that in some cases it is just a harsh reality of special needs parenting that we are sleep deprived for many reasons.

However, sleep deprivation is so detrimental to your health. I remember talking to my doctor and him telling me that they use sleep deprivation to torture prisoners of war. 

I knew this was important to my own well-being, so my husband and I worked out a plan where I would wear ear plugs and get uninterrupted sleep when I desperately needed it and he would “cover” nighttime issues.

I have my own sleep routine now that includes using an essential oils diffuser and oils that help promote relaxation.

I also listen to the same music every night. Whatever works for you, make it a priority to get enough sleep. 

Relaxation and stress management 

Meditation and yoga are common stress management activities for a reason. Deep breathing can literally improve your health.

If there is any way for you to squeeze in a meditation or yoga class, it will do wonders to calm your anxiety.

The bonus is it could also lead to social interactions which improve your well-being.

If it is not possible to take time to attend a class, there are many options to practice digitally.

There are meditation apps such as calm.com and yoga routines that you can download.

Keep a journal

Much of our anxiety as special needs parents is exacerbated by the fact that we keep a lot bottled up inside. 

We don’t feel like we have the luxury to complain or vent because our children are the ones with special needs and it is our job to take care of them.

Writing in a journal is very therapeutic and can help with both anxiety and depression. It is a way to figuratively “dump” out all of your thoughts that plague you and cause chronic stress.

In addition to keeping a general journal, practicing gratitude is also a way to combat anxiety and stress.

Focusing on the positive blessings in your life can change your entire outlook and help you cope with the challenges. 

Connect with others

Parenting a special needs child can be a lonely and overwhelming job. It is essential to find and connect with others who can relate.

Although it might feel like it’s not worth the energy or the risk of an unsuccessful social outing, try not to isolate yourself from friends and family. 

However, if you do not have positive support people in your life, find other parents online with whom you can connect.

RELATED: SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT ISOLATION

Special needs parents are no stranger to anxiety. We will always worry about and fight for our kids.

But anxiety does not have to consume us. If we are feeling like anxiety is affecting our quality of life, we need to ask for help.

There are options for treatment so that we can get back to our most important job – ensuring the health and happiness of our special kids. 

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