Parenting a child with autism can be challenging. There are times we may feel like complete failures and that we are just not cut out for the job.
We may feel guilty at times for a multitude of reasons – there are always more therapies to try, more strategies to learn, more specialists to seek out.
As special needs parents, it seems like we are always fighting. We fight for services, we fight for acceptance, we fight to help our kids make progress.
What we need to remember is that we are mere humans with needs of our own doing the best we can.
There is no award for perfect special needs parenting.
We WILL make mistakes. We WILL beat ourselves up for it. We WILL have moments that we feel like we cannot possibly go on.
While there is no blueprint for how to “win” at autism parenting, here are three examples of what not to do with an autistic child:
Yelling at an autistic child
There will be moments when we lose patience with our autistic child.
Perhaps the intensity of a prolonged meltdown has gotten us to a breaking point.
Or we may be running late again because we did not get a chance to wash the favorite red shirt and a blue one will just not do.
This section is included not to instill guilt or shame parents for yelling at their child with autism.
But it is important to remember that yelling at an autistic child will likely exacerbate the situation.
All behavior is a form of communication. I remind myself of this often.
Our children are not intentionally trying to annoy us or increase our stress levels.
Yelling at an autistic child will have an adverse effect.
Instead of our attempts to control the situation and force the behavior to stop, we actually add to the child’s distress.
Speaking calmly and using this one trick will have a much greater impact and less emotional fallout than yelling.
Insisting on eye contact
Eye contact can actually be stressful for some children with autism.
Forcing an autistic child to make eye contact can actually feel very unnatural to them.
While we may think we are helping our children by insisting on eye contact, it may be causing them anxiety.
This skill may be introduced gently and practiced gradually, if a child can tolerate it.
However, forcing an autistic child to make eye contact is squarely in the “what not to do with an autistic child” category.
Not giving choices
When we constantly dictate what a child should be doing, they feel a lack of control.
Not giving an autistic child choices is a common mistake.
We feel like we need to extinguish problem behaviors. We give replacement behaviors and reinforcers to engage in them.
However, we all want choices. This includes our kids with autism.
Just as we would give a typical child two choices (both of which are acceptable – ex. “Do you want to sit at the table or at your desk to do your homework?), we need to give our autistic child choices as well.
What should you do when you make these common mistakes?
The fact is, we will yell at our autistic children. We will forget ourselves and say, “Would you LOOK at me when I’m talking to you?” And we will probably demand things as a parent without giving choices.
When we do, we need to give ourselves some grace.
NO PARENT IS PERFECT!
The demands of being a parent to a child with special needs make our jobs even more challenging.
So, remember, while these tips for ‘what not to do with an autistic child’ are meant as reminders – we also need to be mindful of allowing ourselves to not be perfect.
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